How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
wow bdsm is so cute
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
