Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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