He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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