He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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