There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
