Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
