my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
