Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
