somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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