I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
