How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize