My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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