I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
