She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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