Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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