and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
