i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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