Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize