cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I'm really busy with my period
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