Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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