dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize