I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
