Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
