I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
nutella sex= disaster
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
