It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
