Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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