Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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