I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
