Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
