Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
