my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
