mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
