Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
