Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
