Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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