His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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