did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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