I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
