I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
