a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
