why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
