I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize