I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
