we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
