You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
