i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
