Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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