Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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