I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
