So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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