Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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