who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
