I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
