Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize