Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
