hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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