but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
